forgotten

yep. thats all

Stronger

Wow. Its been so long that even I forgot the password. After a few cracks, back in. Saying its easy is only a lie. Saying i wont lie is also a lie. Piling lie after lie... what am i? Thats forgotten but now going to focus on whats ahead. No puns, no flashy words. No more hiding.

Need to focus on myself and become a better person.

I finally understand the feeling. I finally understand everything.

4 minutes

U know... lifes so unfair. Its filled with so many misunderstandings, all piled ontop of each other and then it disguises the truth. Its gotten to the point where i cannot decipher between the two and yeah, that feeling sucks. You know, today i thought maybe, just maybe. But then that maybe turned into a no. because. I know its just a misunderstanding, or karma hahas but yeah. sucks either way. Oh hey, guess what? not much of a hols when u got in mind another test coming up. Oh and hey, why not top it off with cut down work hrs. hahas. man.... cools.

nothing else to say. 2 minutes now. but what does it mean? nothing.

Imperfections

Made a wrong turn, once or twice.
Dug my way out, blood and fire.
Bad descisions, thats alright,
Welcome to my silly life.

I just feel that i can relate to this song, to a certain extent. Theres so much trapped up inside me and you wonder why I cannot speak the words. Maybe think. Sincerely, from me. For Once.

Change the voices, In your head.
Make them like you, Instead

.

Its really cold. And I don't just mean the weather.

Cherry

'Cherry is for cherish. And I wanted to give this pin to the one i cherished the most'

How cheese but this is what i rememeber.... one of those quotes that sticks to you, when you watch some drama and go...'awwwwww...'

But recently I've been thinking, we all need to cherish what matters the most to us, what we put close at heart. Because there can be distractions sometimes, that fight for our attention and sometimes, win. Cherishing what matters most, who you can always count on. Cherishing family is what I'm getting at. Because, I love my family. <3 Just spent two hours huddled up on the couch with my mummy, rewatching videos, of more memories and really, I had no idea how much i missed that. The most time I probably spend with family is the asian dinners where we sit at the table and eat together. And recently, with work, studying, going out... Its been quite a while since thats happened. And even when its the days that I am finally home for dinner, theres always other guests invited.

Its been hard, if i said i wasnt going through much lately, it'd be a lie. But to say that i've been going through a lot, well thats a lie as well because I have clearly seen the stuff others are going through and let me say, its hell of a lot more worse. So i guess its time we sit back and think, is this problem really worth the fuss over? Will I be worried about this stupid test, or this mean person, or this horrible night? Probably Not. So how about just accepting all thats happening and making the most of it?


xx smilingf00l

next time you got a lil bitching to do, just say it to my face. dont just bitch, knowing that i'll see tha bitching, and then pretend nothings wrong. This is the response for you. if you know...

Mad

The title refers to the song that i've been re-obsessed with lately. Neyo- Mad. Seriously back in the days when you listen to songs either they sound good or they dont. No questions about what they're about. Dont get me wrong, its still prettymuch like that for me nowadays, when theres a catchy tune, it just draws you in and you cant help but realise the lyrics.

Enough of that but Mad also relates to my emotions today, towards the end of the day. It was quite a nice day, light study, attended all lectures (how much absorbed is a diff answer), nice weather, more study, pancakes dinner. Then it was the moment of heading home that I encountered something that really set me off. A Loud splatter as a Hungry Jacks cup flies one direction, the lid in the other and coke filled the hallway. I didnt take much note of it, thinking it was just some drunk hungry kid and was instead interested in someone playing some sort of instrument (cant rememeber now) - buskers. But then I walked past a girl holding a bag of hungry jacks and realised, the intensity of the issue. No it wasnt a drunk kid. No it wasnt a hungry Kid. Excuse me for calling them kids they were probably between 16-19 but really it was so bad. The girl seemed angry, as the guy stormed up infront, disregarding the girl.

I was with friends, so i didnt realy do much except glance back to see the timid looking girl, just silently walking, as if her thoughts just trailed. The guy did not look back. But then we had to run for our train only to've missed it. Friend got on hers, I waited for mine. I couldnt help but glance up the stairs, to only realise that it was the same couple. They were hugging, as if trying to cover the tears falling down the girl's face. He looked sorry. Apologetic or maybe just embarrassed that he'd made a girl cry. He held on tight- damn right he should. But the girl, she was giving in. Perhaps love really does mean alot.

I got on my train. To only find they were getting on the same train. I could tell he was trying. Trying to gain forgiveness. 'Baby, babyy. Im sorry'. She wasnt bying it. I could tell both were crying, the guy making alot more drama out of it but hahas dont get me wrong. I wasnt trying to pry but they were jsut sitting right infront so it was kind of hard not to. And despite me trying to study (notes pulled out and all), just the whole situo got on my nerves. All seemed fine, til the girl got up and walked off to sit by herself at the top. I waited. For the guy to follow except he didnt. I turned around, at him to see him munching hungrily at the HJ burger, and all that went through my mind was..WHAT THE FUCK?

He looked back to see if she was going to come back, continuing to eat. When it was finally established that she wasnt, he barged up. And began demanding for answers. all that could be heard by everyone on the carriage was 'FUCK. FUCK THIS. WHAT THE FUCK'. He shed a few tears, wiping them vigorously with his arm- like what all guys do. That was when I got annoyed. ahahs. Respect bro. No respect given, no respect gained. He just blew at his 'girlfriend', when she knew he needed space, and gave him space. So yeah.... I dont know what happened after, lost interest. I know everyone deserves a second chance but for one night, to have walked away, to have blown, to have humiliated not only the girl but himself as well, what kind of respect do you expect kiddo?

True story.
Im tired..... you know i believe everyone deserves a second chance. but when its given and you dont acknowledge it, thats when it sucks. ahahs. Life's complicated. Shit happens. Maybe we're just tired. We blow. we give in. we give up.

Mental

Im going. Never felt like this. the emotions jsut keep flowing in. It ain't stopping. Staring at the load on my desk

Phys Report collaboration- havent started
Phys Report edit - havent started
Referencing- havent started
Abstract - havent started
Lab book - no progress

When are they due? Tomorrow.
I cant think. I cant breathe. And whats on my other side? Phone.

- Push Button- 4.41    no reply
-Push Button-  4.43    no reply
-Push Button-   4.45   no reply
-Push Button-   4.46  no reply
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
- Push Button- 9.32 no reply

You left me hanging again. Except this time, it really will be an all nighter. That is all. For all those who've waited for a text that will never come, I feel yo pain. I do. Its pathetic because even now, letting all this out, its still the same. What is this fuckery? Karma bitch. Served cold.

One thing,

It hurts me as well. That's all.

Keep it going :)

Thats another one down. I have no idea how i went but no point worrying about that.
So the other day, someone asked, 'whats going on...?'

Which i replied with... 'i...dont ...know.'

Because truthfully, thats how it feels. Despite the wrongness in doing so, I cant help that even the world is setting this as a priority for me at the moments, with all the shitload thats been chucked on us. But its soon over and I dont know if its a good or bad thing.

Touche to a mystery friend telling me ...'Life's a rollercoaster.' Because without these twists, turns and falls at times, we wouldnt be expecting for more. IT'D BE BORING and i think we all know i cant deal with boring. I thought i was getting somewhere with this but I guess not, and hahas there goes my grammar again. sasadfghjkl;'

Ps, nets been playing up. But lets hope its better for good now.

xx SF

(8) Im at a payphonee, trying to call home
all my of spare change, that i spent on you (8)

I feel oblivious to it all at the moment, shutting everything out with uni work.. and music.
Why waste the moment when it can be spent with a smile and no fears?

Lifes good.

xx dont get sick.

Stop, Revive. Survive.

Not cars. but life lately.

Its come too far. that theres no turning back. Words hurt. Truth hurts more.
It aint fair on anyone becausee its my fault. My mistake.
My problems.
Only I can deal with them and only I can choose whats next.
Someones going to get hurt either way.
Insensitive, i am.

Music speaks loud.

This can only be as good as we can make it,
Yes, sometimes it's gonna hurt.
We can be as happy as we want to be, boy
But we gotta make it work.

Repeat. glisten in eyes.
Replay. Sigh.
Rewind. Lip tremble.
Restart. trickle of tears.


I held a grudge.
I held my head high.
I held onto expectations.
I held onto a man. For too long.

Suffering

So the once said, karma usually comes right back around and bites you. So does that mean i really deserve this much karma? What an emo emo blog. What is wrong laaaa
Yes I have problems. Doesn't everyone?

I'm truely sorry to everyone who i've hurt recently, and probably all this time. But today I really do feel like I'm locked in this dungeon. By two enemies. Two opposing sides and I need to answer, yes or no. But no matter what i say, I am trapped in here forever because I cannot satisfy both enemies. Because one wants yes, and the other wants no. You say yes, the other doesnt let you out, You say no and the first keeps you there.

And what do you do? You just suffer in there. Karma. Does it ever matter whether I'm happy or not?

No.

White Day

So once upon a time, white day meant something. well only once upon my time. Apparently white day was to celebrate love, or for a guy to return love. but then this year, guess everything changes, Then again, there was no love to return since I didnt give any out on this day, one month ago.

white.... symbolic of purity, or death.

pure love?
or death of love. love dies sometimes.

Karma.

It escapes me, what thoughts may've trailed aimlessly through my mind when I catch the remains of the passing sillohuette. The familiar back. The familiar height. The familiar scent of strong musk and cocoa. It turned around, once more. Not to smile, or wink or any of that bullshit we once knew. But I had lost it. My satchel dropped from my weak grip as I approached, carefully. Cautiously. I could feel the hem of my dress dancing with the breeze before, though that was now replaced by a cold brutal tugging of the vicious gusts of wind.

The scattered shadow gleamed for a second as I managed to catch the sight of those eyes- for the last time. He then turned- disappearing into the distance. What was going on? My legs followed, into a desperate chase. I could feel the moist bed of dewy grass, icy cold beneath my bare feet. 'NOOOO, COME BACKK!!' I begin, before I noticed, my momentum had been interrupted by a falling sensation.

I had tripped on the tail of my pale garments, unable to react in time before my face met the dampness and cold soil. A stinging sensation began abruptly but reaching up, the pain had travelled to my palm as well. Glancing down I stared at them. The faint lines which told stories. The finger which a ring belonged once upon a time. The tips which produced melodic tunes on instruments. And, the spaces between my fingers, where yours, once fit perfectly... The fresh blood and dirt had blurred it all. Once and for all.

Blankness crossed. I could not process it. Why? The harsh breeze did not help as it drove a stinging sensation through my hands. My face. And, my heart.

The figure was gone. The one thing which I thought I could depend on. He left me. In the cold. In the dirt. In the ugly past. Its okay. I deserved it.

headin' to tha airport

Why is it always that you feel most anxious, nostalgic and impatient when ur waiting. Iv been doing that for the past few hours already and if it wasnt for 'distractions', really it wouldve been sooo long. Felt nice eating my aussie deluxe beef burger, and how can we forget the chips? Hahaas yum, but yum for the next 3 weeks hopefully filled with delish foood and ...lots of shopping.

so basically, lets hope everything and everyones safe , enjoys the last month or so of break and has fun :).

xx smilingf00l

time's slowing down..

'how was ur night?'

'good'
'whatd u do?'

'nothing'

'how are you'

'could be better'

'are u ok'

'fine dw about me.'

Happier things

Happy lab & Bueno. In for a good night :)

People Change, Situations Change

Sometimes you wonder, how on earth can 'friends forever' really be forever. My mum jogged my memory the other day, back to that instance of childhood- the one during primary school. She had once asked me and my group of friends ' you're going to diff high schools, are you guys still going to be such good friends, and keep in contact and be friends forever still?' Without hesitation, we all yelled ' YES! OF COURSE! ' because at such a small age, you really cannot expect a child to know the difference between forever and for now.

So what actually changes. Many. The friends themself change, being in a new environment and only able to rely on those that are around them every day. Time changes- time draws people further apart once you havent seen them for a long time. And, well. The environment changes. You may be encountering a new style of friends- ones that actually share more similar interests to you, or those who you prefer because they are more socially interactive. Whatever it may be, thats the thing. That once in a childhood's sense of 'forever' has changed. And no matter how you try, things cannot change unless both people are determined to.

So now lets talk about determination. What if people's ambitions have changed, causing their determination to fall upon other areas. It may not be that sense of friendship that one's lingering on to. Either way, you cannot just say soemthing if your heart does not follow. It may not make sense now but really, lets give an example.

-----------> you can say to yourself you love someone but what is love if its only selfishly centred around yourself? Have you taken into account whether the other person is willing to accept this love? Have you taken into account that what you're doing may affect other aspects? So how about asking the other person, ' will you love me forever? Because thats all i need', a quite rhetorical question in my opinion because either way, it will hurt. Lets say 'yes', do you really mean it? How can you promise sucha thing of 'forever' without even thinking about it for a minute. Okay lets say...'no'. well im sure you know how that ends up...

Quite a amount of word vomit recently but i've realised no matter whether i try or not, the results are still the same. So why try? Because we want to keep moving on in life but whether the other around us accept it or not, at least we've tried.

Alone.

Everything feels very unfamiliar and...wrong.

Lychee Rose Petals

a pleasant surprise during work, thankyous. I tried putting them in a vase and even Mum surprised me by applauding me on my flower arrangements, guess i gotta 'receive more' to improve. just kiddings. hahas

xx Sf

T&Co.

beautiful present, but do i deserve this?

Star Buffet, Bankstown

So I once swore I'd prob never go to a buffet again because...well simply because I eat so little. But I've realised that everytime you hit the buffet, the appearance of everything captures your eyes and then you realise, you have well... countless plates of food. Its that capturing appearance that sets off your tastebuds, hoping that you'd be enlightened both, through taste and smell as you were through sight.

So tonight was another family gathering, followed by the countless ones already made during the Chinese New Year. Tonight was with family friends and what better way to reunite than by going to a family-friendly buffet where you can sit and chat for hours, and be constantly enlightened by the new things brought every half and hr or so. Or maybe you can just say that i can be really easily entertained at times :)

It didnt occur to me to make this post, so only a few pictures were taken, merely after a 10 minute wait at the 'sushi bar' and reminiscence of childhood at the dessert bar.

Assorted Sushi Platter

Seasonal Fruits and Dessert Platter

Clearly I shared this with Three people

Does anyone actually finish all the food?

So I know its bad but buffets always leave me with a guilty conscience. Simply because I can never finish anything- the food isnt the greatest and we always get more than we intend to eat since everything looks so intriguing. But to think this was being fed to the bins whilst people in Third World Countries cant even afford to eat anything close to this, makes me think twice about going to a buffet again. But for now, lets just enjoy the moment.

Food: 6/10
Service: 7/10
Value: 8/10
Ambience: 7/10

Definitely good value if you eat alot and don't mind usual buffet food.

NTS: need to invest in a better quality camera Im willing to take out, instead of resorting to my crappy phone camera. Hahas. Oh wells,


xx Smilingf00l

Dear,

it feels like lately the more i try to talk, the harder it becomes. But then i've realised, not talking just causes confusion and nothing ends up happening either. But what do we expect? Do we expect anything at all? Lately, everything has just been going down. fucking shit. maybe double the fuck and triple the shit. No rant for me today, wow surprrise. probably the first time that i've minus'd the rant but ... thing is. it doesnt feel right. this isnt love anymore. this screaming and fighting and... disconnect. its madness. do we really want that?

maybe 2012 should jsut be the end of the fkn world and we can solve all our problems.